Concrete Wall

It has been awhile since I decided to keep to myself everything that I feel from being (ab)normally sad to being entirely dead. I must say that it is quite surprising for me to at least keep that rhythm for a couple of weeks or days. Yes, I am a strong person but I am very vulnerable (inside) as an egg shell especially  when I am alone and quiet— keeping all the cracks in as much as I can before it breaks. And, as I said, I have been living inside a concrete wall for (just) weeks or days. When I woke up this morning, that concrete wall seem to have lost its support. I tried so f-ing hard to fix it because I am so afraid that it might fall apart inevitably— and that is going to F my already F-up life. 

I’ve done everything. Chocolates, food, amuse myself while I listen to my professors talk about ‘facts’ that is truly entertaining, think about my duties as class treasurer—though there’s nothing to think about, plan my ‘friday night’ with friends, AND bake muffins as soon as I walk inside our house and drop my things on the floor. And after all that, I still feel like even if I bake hundreds of muffins today/tonight, it wouldn’t stop the wall from breaking. 

I do not like seeking comfort or help from my friends or other people, maybe even strangers(?) if that would actually help. But I just do not like other people knowing and even feeling my present dilemma especially when I am with that ‘other-people’. And despite my personal dislike on that matter, I still sometimes(most of the time) run to my friends and just randomly hug them and rest my head on their shoulder. For my closest friends, I do not need to say anything when I do those ‘cos they know who I am and what I am through right now. I know, it seems like I am just seeking sympathy, but there is this one thing I learned:

Denying things wouldn’t change the truth. And so what if it sounds pathetic and stupid? I am still pathetic and stupid whether I keep it to myself or confide it to somebody else. 

I already died once recently and I believe it changed me, however not entirely different. I guess it just took away some ‘candies’ and dimmed my mind off from ‘christmas lights’ and all that. But it definitely built that concrete wall and it has gone trembling for the first time since it stood right there. And someday it will just collapse or maybe it will stay there forever. I do not know.

You may say that I am too emotional or dramatic or too cynical or even a big baby. Whatever. You may not understand me right now but when the time comes that you have to hold and keep inside all of that pain, sadness, anger, tears, and that you just suddenly felt like you died then you will understand me. But I am not hoping that you go through that, it’s no fun at all. 

Everything changes. And I guess mine started a few days back and I admit I was not entirely happy with the change. This is the worst state of mind and soul. I have become dull, insensitive, unfeeling, and hard mostly to myself. 

(written and posted on : Nov. 16. 2011)