Ito ang tama..

Minsan talaga mararamdaman mo na hindi ka talaga importante sa isang taong malapit sayo.
Bakit ganito? Napaka-random. Nakakainis. Nakakalungkot. Mas nakakainis tuloy.

Nung isang araw lang parang maayos naman kami sa isa't isa tapos biglang sa isang iglap parang hindi ka niya kilala. Ang hirap intindihin. Parang hindi maayos pero maayos talaga. O kaya naman, parang maayos pero hindi talaga. Ang gulo, di po ba?
Kahit ako naguguluhan. Nagugulumihanan.
Nakakapraning tuloy. Nakakapraning isipin kung ano yung dapat kong i-kilos o gawin; kung ano yung dapat kong sabihin; at kung kailan ako dapat makipag-usap. Oo, lahat yan tumatakbo sa utak ko kasi ganun ako ka-ingat sa mga mabibitawan kong salita at maipapakita kong kilos. Natatakot kasi akong magkamali, baka ma-reject  na naman ako o baka lumayo nanaman siya sa akin. Ayoko na mangyari yun. Hindi ko kaya.

Pero bakit ba lagi na lang ganito? Hindi ko siya maintindihan. Siguro may nagawa lang talaga akong mali. Ewan. Wala akong maisip o maalala eh. Nakakabaliw.

Naiisip ko tuloy..

Ano pa bang kailangan kong baguhin? Sabi naman ng bestfriend niya, ang laki na daw ng pinagbago ko... Nag-improve na daw ako. Ako rin naman sa tingin ko na iba na nga talaga ako ngayon. Wala na nga akong ipinapakitang kadramahan sa kanila masyado, lalo na sa kanya. (Hindi naman din nila kasi alam ang blog ko na 'to.)

Ito nanaman ako, nahihirapan mag-focus sa academics dahil dito. Ang hirap maapektuhan lalo na kung siya lagi ang dahilan. Ibang klase nga talaga ang tama niya sakin... 

A Handful of Wishes and Only Hoping for One.

I wish I could be the person he confides with.
I wish I could be the person he trusts.
I wish I could be the person he shares his life with.
I wish I could be the person he could turn to anytime.
I wish I could be the person he runs to for his dilemmas.
I wish I could be the person who can satisfy him.
I wish I could be the person that can give him happiness.
I wish I could be the person he can find confidence with.
I wish I could be the person he thinks of every now and then.
I wish I could be the person he considers very important to his life.
I wish I could be the lady he admires.
I wish I could be the girl he sings to every time.
I wish I could be the woman he desires to be his companion for the rest of his life.
I wish I could be his valentine I wish I could be the person he holds dear inside his heart...

And above all,
I hope that none of these happens with just a wish.. 

I don't want to be reminded of this day as something so special or something. But with all those around me, I guess I have to deal with the effect that 2012's Valentine's Day has on me.

Lacking Metaphor

My shirt's getting tagged too much, it has become loose and I can already feel it slip on my shoulder.

It's maybe the lack of metaphor or the inappropriateness of it that this entry may just sit perfectly in my drafts or rather fit in the trash. Either way, I'm still writing... Despite the obvious that I am lacking creativity in composing a good introduction. 

Truly, I feel dragged. With every single strand of muscle in my body seem to complain by continuously torturing me with muscle cramps. And this has never happened to me before. I don't like it. 

I have pushed myself today physically. Distraction has become a resolution to everything that needs re-fixing and/or maintenance-- the little holes and cracks and heat, to say the least. 

But, as always, distractions are momentary. It may last from a second to a couple of days or weeks (or longer) but don't expect it to carry you through your entire life. It may become a routine, but a routine gets really, genuinely, absolutely boring. The level of dullness and the dimensionless of the routine forces you to stop and realize what you've been missing. And once you pause/stop, you will feel all the tiredness and weariness that you have been putting aside to drop on your shoulders and fill your head. Insanity, that is. 

And so I feel like that today, though, I have yet to feast on a proper rest in a couple of hours or maybe after this. 

So if someone, other than myself, is reading this, then I guess I have to thank you for lending me your patience and understanding for the person who seems to be craving for physical, mental, and (most importantly) emotional rest.I salute you. Cos I can't even be patient with my own.. 

*The handouts in my philosophy class and the book-- Paper Towns by John Green-- that I just finished an hour ago pushed me even harder to pursue writing this tonight. So don't blame me... (oh, whatever!)