Ito ang tama..

Minsan talaga mararamdaman mo na hindi ka talaga importante sa isang taong malapit sayo.
Bakit ganito? Napaka-random. Nakakainis. Nakakalungkot. Mas nakakainis tuloy.

Nung isang araw lang parang maayos naman kami sa isa't isa tapos biglang sa isang iglap parang hindi ka niya kilala. Ang hirap intindihin. Parang hindi maayos pero maayos talaga. O kaya naman, parang maayos pero hindi talaga. Ang gulo, di po ba?
Kahit ako naguguluhan. Nagugulumihanan.
Nakakapraning tuloy. Nakakapraning isipin kung ano yung dapat kong i-kilos o gawin; kung ano yung dapat kong sabihin; at kung kailan ako dapat makipag-usap. Oo, lahat yan tumatakbo sa utak ko kasi ganun ako ka-ingat sa mga mabibitawan kong salita at maipapakita kong kilos. Natatakot kasi akong magkamali, baka ma-reject  na naman ako o baka lumayo nanaman siya sa akin. Ayoko na mangyari yun. Hindi ko kaya.

Pero bakit ba lagi na lang ganito? Hindi ko siya maintindihan. Siguro may nagawa lang talaga akong mali. Ewan. Wala akong maisip o maalala eh. Nakakabaliw.

Naiisip ko tuloy..

Ano pa bang kailangan kong baguhin? Sabi naman ng bestfriend niya, ang laki na daw ng pinagbago ko... Nag-improve na daw ako. Ako rin naman sa tingin ko na iba na nga talaga ako ngayon. Wala na nga akong ipinapakitang kadramahan sa kanila masyado, lalo na sa kanya. (Hindi naman din nila kasi alam ang blog ko na 'to.)

Ito nanaman ako, nahihirapan mag-focus sa academics dahil dito. Ang hirap maapektuhan lalo na kung siya lagi ang dahilan. Ibang klase nga talaga ang tama niya sakin... 

A Handful of Wishes and Only Hoping for One.

I wish I could be the person he confides with.
I wish I could be the person he trusts.
I wish I could be the person he shares his life with.
I wish I could be the person he could turn to anytime.
I wish I could be the person he runs to for his dilemmas.
I wish I could be the person who can satisfy him.
I wish I could be the person that can give him happiness.
I wish I could be the person he can find confidence with.
I wish I could be the person he thinks of every now and then.
I wish I could be the person he considers very important to his life.
I wish I could be the lady he admires.
I wish I could be the girl he sings to every time.
I wish I could be the woman he desires to be his companion for the rest of his life.
I wish I could be his valentine I wish I could be the person he holds dear inside his heart...

And above all,
I hope that none of these happens with just a wish.. 

I don't want to be reminded of this day as something so special or something. But with all those around me, I guess I have to deal with the effect that 2012's Valentine's Day has on me.

Lacking Metaphor

My shirt's getting tagged too much, it has become loose and I can already feel it slip on my shoulder.

It's maybe the lack of metaphor or the inappropriateness of it that this entry may just sit perfectly in my drafts or rather fit in the trash. Either way, I'm still writing... Despite the obvious that I am lacking creativity in composing a good introduction. 

Truly, I feel dragged. With every single strand of muscle in my body seem to complain by continuously torturing me with muscle cramps. And this has never happened to me before. I don't like it. 

I have pushed myself today physically. Distraction has become a resolution to everything that needs re-fixing and/or maintenance-- the little holes and cracks and heat, to say the least. 

But, as always, distractions are momentary. It may last from a second to a couple of days or weeks (or longer) but don't expect it to carry you through your entire life. It may become a routine, but a routine gets really, genuinely, absolutely boring. The level of dullness and the dimensionless of the routine forces you to stop and realize what you've been missing. And once you pause/stop, you will feel all the tiredness and weariness that you have been putting aside to drop on your shoulders and fill your head. Insanity, that is. 

And so I feel like that today, though, I have yet to feast on a proper rest in a couple of hours or maybe after this. 

So if someone, other than myself, is reading this, then I guess I have to thank you for lending me your patience and understanding for the person who seems to be craving for physical, mental, and (most importantly) emotional rest.I salute you. Cos I can't even be patient with my own.. 

*The handouts in my philosophy class and the book-- Paper Towns by John Green-- that I just finished an hour ago pushed me even harder to pursue writing this tonight. So don't blame me... (oh, whatever!)

Avoiding the End

Why do we look for things at the wrong places?
Why do we still pursue something that would be worthless?
Why do we choose to stop asking questions?
Why do we ignore shortcuts and instead take the rough and endless roads? 
Why do we choose to ignore medication when we have access to?
Why do we want to walk alone and meddle with our own confusions and consciousness?
Why do we always prefer silence?


Why am I so afraid of hearing the answer and/or reaching the end?


I feel weary, sometimes, but I never stopped walking.
I often feel miserable but I never acknowledge that to myself. 
I am stupid but I made myself very stubborn so that I would never ask any questions.
My doors are open, but I pretend that I'm locked up. 
I know that dealing with this alone wouldn't bring me to a better place.
The world around me is too loud and there are a lot of voices to listen to, but I close my ears to everyone who tries to talk me out of this. 
I have my words ready in my tongue, but I keep my mouth shut every time. 


I am so afraid of what I might see at the end that I would just keep moving around even if it's wearing every ounce of strength I have. I'm too fragile to even think of myself one step behind the finish line. I don't know. I cannot think of anything for now or maybe I don't want to think of anything at all. 


I want to rest now. I feel stupid and senseless writing all these. Goodnight.

Siya na Yun

May mga bagay na hindi ko kayang tiisin. Kahit gaano ako katapang sa maraming bagay, hindi parin ako ganoon katibay sa iba pang bagay. Tao lang din ako. Hindi dahil malakas ang personalidad ko ay hindi na ko bumabaluktot. Lahat tayo may kanya-kanyang kahinaan at kamalian. Kaya lang minsan talaga sumusobra.

Tanong ko lang naman po:
Kaya mo bang tanggihan ang taong mahal mo? Kahit na masisira lang ang pangako mo sa sarili mo? Kahit na alam mong pagkatapos na naman nito ay madagdagan nanaman ang bigat sa puso mo?

Ako? Hindi.

Oo. Sobrang saya ko nung mga oras na yun. Ilang linggo na rin naman ako nagtitiis. Kaya nung siya na mismo ang naunang magparamdam, nanghina na nanaman ako at bumigay. Ang tagal ko siyang hindi nakita o nakausap man lang. Kaya naman sa buong oras na magkasama kami ay wala akong ibang inisip kundi ang saya. Sa kabila ng matagal at namuong magulong katahimikan ay parang naging maayos ang lahat. Parang walang nangyari. Napakasaya ko. Oo, masaya ako sa lagay na ganun. Kung tutuusin, mas magiging kampante ako sa ganung sitwayson at relasyon kung saan komportable kami sa isa't isa bilang magkaibigan na nagk-kwentuhan. Wala naman akong ginusto kundi yun lang. Kahit kailan hindi ako naghangad ng higit pa sa pagiging magkaibigan, lalo na ang pagkabawas o pagkawala nito.

Pero dahil din sa oras na yun ay kailangan ko magsimula ulit. Siguro nga sinayang ko yung mga araw na sinusubukan ko at ginagawa ko yung dapat kong gawin. Alam ko kung ano ang sinasayang ko, alam ko na ako lang din ang mahihirapan, alam ko kung ano ang mga ginagawa ko at pagkakamali ko, alam ko na umiiral na naman katangahan ko.

At higit sa lahat, alam ko na kahit gaano ko katagal subukan ay hinding hindi na magbabago o mawawala ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Ito na nga siguro yun. Siya na yun. Ang problema lang talaga ay hindi ako ang nasa loob niya. 

Written Inside My Head

I had lost a lot of things,
I had lost a lot of my being.

There are worse things than this,
I'm quite aware of that;
But if you had to give up,
isn't it that you are giving away your heart? 

Have I told you who I am?
Or rather, have I told who I was?;
Cos the 'am' haven't been so clear,
Not even sure about it being there.

I wasn't sure where the line started
Or even when we both reached the end.
That is something I don't understand,
would you tell me what it is?

I have cried a little less, I have pained a little more.
My tears pushes you away,
I guess I have to deal with this in silence on my own.;
It doesn't matter anyway,
cos either way you're not going to stay.

It is not love that I seek,
for love isn't begged.;
It is the respect that I hope,
and the acknowledgement that I wait. 

I am at lost of words,
I guess I'm making that mistake again.;
You weren't aware of my love before,
Never really had the confidence to tell. 

Now that I am lost,
This I think I don't need for you to know.;
You may have been the help that I need all along,
But since I chose to walk away,
I guess I have to find happiness (again) on my own. 

*I just typed what appears inside my head. this is so unexpected. there are so many crap inside my head.

Someone Will Sing To Me

Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay

Don't you just love songs that makes you smile, makes you feel warm inside, and, at the same time, stings your heart? Well, I love them so much even if I know that they just push me off the edge sometimes. I avoid drama and as much as possible, I don't like to deal with anything that results to more drama. But songs like that are just so nice! 
So, for tonight I want to share with you some of my most appreciated songs at the moment:

• A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
• She's the One - Robbie Williams
• Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin
• Not like the Movies - Katy Perry
• So Close - Jon McLaughlin
• You and Me - Boyce Avenue(cover)
• Us Against the World - Coldplay
• You and I - Ingrid Michaelson
• Til Kingdom Come - Coldplay 

They make me smile mainly because I often imagine someone singing some of those lovely songs to me. It's nothing really, I know that. But you know, sometimes you just have to lift yourself a bit by appreciating things even if they only exist inside your head. It sounds silly but it makes me smile, it makes my world pause for some time or slow down, and that's when happy thoughts come in. 


But it hurts. I don't know how to describe this, but it stings. It becomes heavy and it's like you can actually feel your heart sinking. I thought about how these songs make me feel this way and I know that it hurts because (for me) the idea of wishing and dreaming and imagining brings hope. And I don't like hope for now. I am getting weary every single day that passes and hoping just makes it more tiring. I know what you're thinking but I am not being a hopeless romantic here. It's just that when there is hope inside of me, I tend to do something that would not put that hope to waste, and then I expect too much of myself that when it fails, I crash. And I don't want to feel dead anymore. I've died once, and I don't want to do that to myself again. It is enough that the first time took a lot from my emotional being. It is enough that it changed me. 


I listen to these kind of songs because even if they hurt, these songs are the only thing that can make me feel like I am still capable of smiling genuinely and become unconscious of it at the same time. 


You know, I wish that one day, someone will sing one of those songs to me. :)