Thursday, April 26, 2012

Just Don't Disappear

Everything feels different. I can't figure exactly how and what I am feeling. I expected something entirely different from what is currently happening to me now. I thought I'd become the same person back when everything seems to not work out for me. I was miserable then. But I got over that. I felt okay, not entirely happy, but fine, enough to focus my attention on more important matters. And then things happened. I was already imagining the worst. From our friendship down to myself. 


And then everything's just unfamiliar for me. What I'm feeling right now is something that I've never felt before. I know that this is just pain and sadness. Simple, normal, common. But I don't understand it fully. When I see you and when I hear your name, the pain starts to sting; I feel so sad but I don't cry; I want to text you but I don't cos I know that it'll just hurt more; I want you to stay inside my head and linger in my thoughts but, instead, I look for distractions; when we're together I want to talk and catch up with you and look at you but I can't even say a word or even look in your direction because I know that I'll just say something stupid and that I may just tear right in front of you-- and I can't do that. 


It's hard for you too, I am aware of that. We both know that it's hard. I promised to myself that everything will have to be okay. That we'll be friends. That there'll be no more signs of the past. No more pain, no more sadness. That one day, I'll be able to look you in the eye and feel nothing. Everything takes time, I just need time. I don't need any of us to walk away. It'll be okay. I'm going to be fine. Maybe not now, but I am trying my hardest to be okay. Just don't disappear. 

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