Maybe...

Maybe not… It isn’t easy to just throw your feelings for someone out the window! But how will it work when I cannot even tell that person how I feel. I tried and still trying, I swear. But damn, Angelia!

They say ‘not trying is worse than anything’. But really, is it that easy to try? Is it that easy to take chances? To not-know what will happen next? I bet you, it is f-ing hard BECAUSE it is PAINFUL. Yup. It hurts. 

How the heck did it hurt me? Because I already know what will happen next. I already know that there is no more point in asking or trying— even though he hasn’t said anything at all because I haven’t said anything at all. You may think I’m paranoid and all, but what would you do if that person makes you feel unimportant(sometimes)? Makes you feel like you are a ‘something’ not a ‘someone’(sometimes..)? Like nothing ever happened? Like it is not happening? You know what I mean…

It’s past 6am.. 

Dropped him-off. Wait for him to unload his things from the trunk while I seat at the driver’s seat and stare at the rear-view mirror. Then he said goodbye. And for a split second, everything just stopped. And that eyes. That look. I knew that it meant something… Something very unfortunate for me. And then I made this blog happen. Yes. Me. Alone. He never said anything that would make me feel worse. But it is just I knew. And when we feel something, then we know. We knew— and already I am using ‘past’-participle. Thank God for my pessimism, I just did myself at that. 

Then again, will I ever have the guts to try? To try to stop and leave everything on the ground and just go back to how we were before? Damn. I just made myself a new problem. Now I really think I am masochist. I inflict this to myself and somehow, I laugh at it. Laugh at my stupidity. Why not? At least there’s something that will lighten my feelings up! 

(written and posted on : Oct. 23. 2011)