Someone Will Sing To Me

Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay

Don't you just love songs that makes you smile, makes you feel warm inside, and, at the same time, stings your heart? Well, I love them so much even if I know that they just push me off the edge sometimes. I avoid drama and as much as possible, I don't like to deal with anything that results to more drama. But songs like that are just so nice! 
So, for tonight I want to share with you some of my most appreciated songs at the moment:

• A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
• She's the One - Robbie Williams
• Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin
• Not like the Movies - Katy Perry
• So Close - Jon McLaughlin
• You and Me - Boyce Avenue(cover)
• Us Against the World - Coldplay
• You and I - Ingrid Michaelson
• Til Kingdom Come - Coldplay 

They make me smile mainly because I often imagine someone singing some of those lovely songs to me. It's nothing really, I know that. But you know, sometimes you just have to lift yourself a bit by appreciating things even if they only exist inside your head. It sounds silly but it makes me smile, it makes my world pause for some time or slow down, and that's when happy thoughts come in. 


But it hurts. I don't know how to describe this, but it stings. It becomes heavy and it's like you can actually feel your heart sinking. I thought about how these songs make me feel this way and I know that it hurts because (for me) the idea of wishing and dreaming and imagining brings hope. And I don't like hope for now. I am getting weary every single day that passes and hoping just makes it more tiring. I know what you're thinking but I am not being a hopeless romantic here. It's just that when there is hope inside of me, I tend to do something that would not put that hope to waste, and then I expect too much of myself that when it fails, I crash. And I don't want to feel dead anymore. I've died once, and I don't want to do that to myself again. It is enough that the first time took a lot from my emotional being. It is enough that it changed me. 


I listen to these kind of songs because even if they hurt, these songs are the only thing that can make me feel like I am still capable of smiling genuinely and become unconscious of it at the same time. 


You know, I wish that one day, someone will sing one of those songs to me. :)

Panaginip at Alaala

Napaginipan kita kagabi

Dun lang tayo nagkita ulit.
Humaba na nga ulit ang buhok mo, pero hindi parin kasing haba tulad ng dati bago ka magpagupit.
Dito 'yon sa bahay. Siguro bandang hapon yun dahil maaraw pa. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero inaasahan ko rin talaga ang pagdating mo nun.
Nag-aayos ako ng buhok sa salamin habang umaakyat ka ng hagdan.
Ang akala ko hindi mo ko papansinin pero ako agad ang una mong sinilip at kinausap.
Nagpasama ka sa akin dahil may ipinapagawa sayo.Hindi ko lang alam kung sino.
Nagulat ako at kinausap mo ako ng ganun.
Pagkatapos mo gawin yung pinapagawa sayo, umalis yung kasama natin.
Sabay niyakap mo ko at ninakawan ng halik sa pisngi. Nagulat ako pero bago pa ko makapagtanong sinabi mo agad 'Mahal kita!'. Sobrang saya pa ng pagkakasabi mo nun. Halos tumatawa na nga. Sobrang 'hyper' mo nun.
Pagkatapos nun ay sinabi ko, 'Akala ko ba hindi?'
Sabi mo, 'Kunwari lang yun...(at may iba ka pang sinabing paliwanag kung bakit ka nagkunwari)'. At sabay ngiti at yakap sa akin.

Yan na siguro yung pinakamagandang memory ko tungkol sa aming dalawa. Kahit sa panaginip lang nangyari, naramdaman ko yung saya.

Ayoko na i-describe yung naramdaman ko paggising ko at nararamdaman ko hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung paano ipapaliwanag ito.

Matutulog na ko. Itulog na lang natin ang lahat ng nararamdamang ito.

 

My Bucket List

Before you say that I'm taking the year 2012 too seriously with sentiments, I'm going to start with my inspirations, mainly reasons on why I have this sortof agenda this year:

• My planner for this year, Slate 20, have this 2-full page section called My Bucket List. At first, I wasn't all that excited with this special feature because of the other cool and awesome pages from this planner, until...
• New Year's Eve(movie) almost made me bawl like a baby. Thank God, I was with Mariz when I saw it. We weren't talking to each other because, obviously, I wasn't the only one tearing-up in my seat. (Haha!) The movie itself wasn't that genius, but the part about resolutions, 2nd chances, and change just inspired me to do actually think about what I would write on that looooong list. (Yes, there are a lot of bullet-boxes);
• I've never done this before. NEVER. Resolutions or even plans for new years weren't really my thing ever since I learned about their purpose and existence as an individual's personal need; and finally,
• I need to do something that will put me to a state of genuine bliss. 

I know that I wouldn't be able to do everything that I wrote and will write(haven't filled up the spaces!) in my bucket list, but I am going to live up to it and do my best to fulfill it. If I can make other people happy, if I can give my time to someone else and, if I can give my love to that person; then I sure can give myself happiness, time, and love. Right?  

Anywaaaaaay..... (stop the drama!). Here are just some of what I want to do and accomplish before new year strikes again:

• Travel for my 19th birthday (crossing all my fingers for this!)
• Read at least 36 books (currently working on my 3rd book)
• Sport a brazilian blow-out - CHECK
• Lose weight (my forever promise to self..)
• Cook and eat Eggs Benedict (if  only I can perfectly poach eggs..)
• Save money (or find a part-time job!)
• Fly a sky lantern and be happy (oh, I can't wait to do this.. :) )
• Watch a movie and eat in a resto ALONE (this is not a show for loneliness or any other cynic exhibition)
• Lie outside our terrace and just look at the stars for at least 1 hour
• No alcohol consumption from January 2 to April ?? (Please pray for me... LOL)
• Go out and eat vanilla cone (McDo) by past midnight - CHECK
• Make my own 3-Cheese Strata (i just need a food processor!!!)
• Go on a diet for at least 2 weeks starting January 16 (I can already hear my tummy cursing me. haha!)
• Live up with my blog (I truly hope I can with all those school work thrown at us. But I think I can :) )
• Make someone happy :> - CHECK
• Do volunteer work... 
• Visit the church as much as I can 
• Compile all my pictures and do something creative with them 
• Surprise someone 
• Watch live musical
• Watch live concert (Gaaaaah! Praying that Pia and I will be able to make it on the 22nd for Katy Perry's! *excited*)
• Go swimming 
• Perfect one guitar piece (I'm not good with guitar but I enjoy playing it :) )
• Be given a DREAMCATCHER (someone..? )
• Watch the sunrise (Done this before. Just want to relive that moment even without the person that I last saw it..)
• Bake muffins for Mariz's Gboy :"> 
• Dance with someone under the night sky (I don't think I'll be able to put check on this. ) 
• Meet someone new in a random place (Courage and Confidence... that is!)
• Accomplish 2012 promise to self  (Working on it... :) )

I'm determined to do all of these. Some are I think very simple but simple things, details makes me smile. However, some are a bit difficult or complicated. But hopefully, I can accomplish most of them. Crossing my fingers! And praying as well! haha! :)

Katangahan Umiiral

Minsan talaga ang katangahan umiiral sa mga taong ilang araw ng puyat, at gising pa at nagdedeliryo sa dilim ng ala-1 ng umaga. Lahat ng klase ng katangahan posible at madalas mangyari sa mga panahong ganito. Lalo na sa akin. Tangina, kahit nga normal akong tao, may nagagawa parin akong katangahan e. 


(Humanda ka. Dahil malamang maranasan mo ang bangis ng daliri ko sa pagmumura. Oo, daliri kasi tina-type 'to at hindi sinasalita. -- OO NA! KORNY NA!)


Alam ko lahat ng tao sa mundo, naka-gawa na ng katangahan. Hindi nga naman kasi tayo perpekto. Pero ang chance mo na tumaas sa ranking ng katangahan ay tumataas ng todo-todo sa ganitong sitwasyon:

Pasado ala-1 ng umaga. Sabaw ako dahil kagagaling ko lang sa matinding "academic research" na maaring makapagbigay sakin ng pagkakataong maging exempted sa midterms ng PHGC. Inaantok na ko dahil ilang araw na kong puyat pero dahil kaka-inom ko lang ng panglawang tasa ko ng kape kasalukuyan may nagsisimulang karera ng mga kabayo sa dibdib ko(kung talagang kilala mo ko, alam mo na kung bakit ako ganito kapag nababanggit ang kape). Nakapikit lang ako, pinipilit na makatulog sa kabila habang may kausap(hulaan mo na lang kung ano ang kausap ko). 

1.13 ng umaga. Tumunog ang celepono ko. Nagdalawang isip pa kung sisilipin o hindi. 

(pagkatapos ng isang minuto...)

"DAMN!". Oo. Napasigaw ako ng wala sa oras. Pero dahil sa mga 3-4 na rin akong nag-aaral tanggapin ang mga dapat kong baguhin at gawin sa taong ito, pumikit na lamang ako at huminga ng malalim ng maraming beses. At dahil nga hindi ko pa lubusang natutunan tanggapin ang mga dapat tanggapin, nabigo ako sa aking attempt na hanapin ang peace sa aking sarili at kalimutan na lamang ang aking nakita:

       (Mula kay:*hindi ko pa alam ang code name*) lalala, on my way home. Haha! Who's still up? 

Siguro nagtataka kayo kung bakit ganun na lamang ang reaksyon ko sa napaka-tipikal na group message. Isa lang naman ang dahilan, ang taong ito ay hindi mahilig mag-group message at ang ikina-gulat ko pa ay isinali niya ako sa mga pinasahan niya ng mensahe na yan.

O, edi syempre anong ginawa ko? Nag-isip ng kung ano-anong hindi ko rin maintindihan at pagkatapos ng halos isang oras, nag-reply ako. Pagkapindot ko pa lang ng 'send', halos iuntog ko na yung sarili ko sa pader kasi natauhan ako at nainis sa sarili kung bakit ko nagawa yun. Ang masklap pa, walang bumalik na reply. Oha! 

Sa totoo lang, kaya muntik-muntikan ko ng iuntog sarili ko sa pader dahil sa dalawang rason: Una, ayokong sirain yun pangako ko sa sarili ko para sa bagong taon. Malalaman niyo rin kung ano yung pangakong yun sa susunod kong blog entry.  At pangalawa, alam ko namang hindi niya ako re-reply-an dahil sa mga ilang pagkakataong naranasan ko ay sadyang ayaw niya ata ako maka-usap o maka-text man lang-- isa pang rason kung bakit gulat na gulat ako ay isinama niya ako sa mensahe niya. 

Napaka-OA ko ba? Siguro nga. Pero sa estado ng lecheng buhay pag-ibig at barkada ko ngayon, ang napakaliit na pagkakamali para sa ibang tao ay parang krimen na sa paningin ko. Syempre, nasaktan ako. Nadagdagan na naman yung bigat sa puso ko. 


Sa totoo lang nung una muntik na ko magalit sa kanya dahil naisip ko: bakit pa niya ako i-sasama sa group message niya kung hindi rin naman siya open makipag-usap sakin. Pero pagkatapos rin ng ilang oras napagtanto ko na kasalanan ko rin iyon. Hindi naman niya alam ang nangyayari sa akin ngayon. Hindi ko naman siya sinabihan na magtatago muna ako mula sa kanya at sa kanila, at susubukang lumayo muna at manahimik. At hindi niya rin kasalanan kung mahalin ko siya ng ganito.


Siguro iniisip mo, 'baka naman naka-tulog lang o kaya naman nawala bigla ng unli at load'. Siguro nga tama ka. Pero kahit sa mga pinaka-simple at nakaka-disappoint na pangyayaring ganito, para sa akin ay napakalaking bagay. 


Oo. Ganun na siguro kasira yung sarili ko at hindi ko na magawang umintindi at magkonsider ng mga posibilidad. Halos puro negatibo na lang ang nakikita ko sa lahat ng sitwasyon. Kaya pagbigyan mo na ko, sadyang sobrang drama ko na talaga ngayon. 

“Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid.” - John Wayne

Before Ever After

Before Ever After by Samantha Sotto

"It's the futility of the exercise that makes it quite remarkable, the human struggle to build something permanent on something inherently... Impermanent" - Samantha Sotto

Hail! Hail to Filipino author Samantha Sotto for writing such wonderful story! 


Oh yes, that's how beautiful this book is-- I can't even think of any genius-sounding word for this blog entry to be just a little bit smarter. Hahahahaha!


But seriously, Samantha Sotto has one heck of an imagination! I envy her creativity and efforts in writing this wonderful love story. YES, it is a love story..again. I know, I know.. there are so many books of love written these days, they seem to always have the same plot. But this one is different. Everything is in here. Fiction, history, tragedy, humor, romance, and may I just say that it sort of crept me during the first few chapters. No kidding. I started reading this during those ungodly hours and so I had the reason to feel scared and all. 


Anyway, it's so good, I can tell I sound like crap to you now and I apologize, I just finished reading this about 20 minutes ago. (read this only for about 2 days) and the aftermath of my amazement over this book will probably linger for quite sometime so bare with me. :D


So, here I am encouraging you-- virtually pushing you-- to go and get yourself a copy of this book ASAP! (I am not affiliated with the author or the publisher or even the characters--WTF?!) 

50th Law

50th Law by 50 Cent and Robert Greene

I started reading this hours before the New Year and to tell you I'm not yet done with this. I'm still on the 99th page! Gosh, I'm such a slow-reader... But I think there's a good explanation for my very turtle-like pace on this one. 


Believe it or not, I love this book. No... I am IN LOVE with it. And before I elaborate, I would like to send my thanks to the nerd who actually told me to get this. Thank you, nerd!  


Anyway...


This may sound a bit cheesy or whatever but this book has been pushing me to do and commit to what I (think) promise myself for this year. When you read it, it seems like the author is actually pushing you by the way he wrote everything.. It's a bit weird really but it kind of helps with the purpose of the book. 
It's not a novel nor a biography. It's more like a reflection of a person's past choices-- lessons, to be more accurate. I have quite a few already carved in my head: (i am not peeking, this is entirely what my mind understood)

• Go for the fearless approach - fear will always be there to eat you up like hell. Be fearless, don't show your weakness to other people or you'll never ever get what you want
• "Transform shit into sugar" - yeah, the author actually wrote that. SHIT into SUGAR! (But it's just so true, I always say it in my mind). Always look for opportunities when shit comes to you. We ,always, are being pushed and pulled down by others. When they say negative things about you, do not let their words silence you. It should be more of a tool to rise up and prove them wrong. 
• Be self-reliant - Learn to resist dependence. That's why we get disappointed with other people, we always expect them to give up what we want, to comfort us, to give us happiness, to fill up our emotional and social needs. But when they fail to do so, we resent them. (aw..)
• Pragmatism - or be practical. Do instead of say. 
• Face reality and practice realism! - Well, I guess of all the things I learned, this is the hardest one to take in. Human beings are forever living in a world where escapism is pretty much a goal. With simple and non-obvious(?) things like media, we turn our backs to what was really going on. I'm afraid that I'm guilty of this all the time. But can you blame me for turning my back from disappointments and pain? 

To tell you honestly, I haven't totally practiced those but once in a while I try. It's just f-ing hard, yah knooow?! 

And the reason why I seem to be very slow on this particular one is because every sentence, every page is another freaking broken glass pierced through me. It's so hard to accept that it is right that I need to literally read some lines over and over again until I can breath through it calmly. Also not reading this constantly like my other books. So, yeah...:)

Away a Martyr

We are martyrs, aren't we? 


People always, at least once in their lives, have submitted themselves to someone or something despite having to take all the hardships and getting nothing for themselves. Still, somehow, they chose to stay and waste a handful of their time to someone they wished they could walk side by side for the rest of their lives but instead time and efforts spent on being shadows alone. 


But we don't always have to walk behind someone to be called a martyr. I, for one, consider myself a martyr. I am not on a race now. I am not even chasing anyone. I'm actually walking, almost dragging myself, to the opposite direction. We always have a choice and this time I chose to walk away. But walking away doesn't make me free of my suffering. It was ten times worse than what I went through when I was still an inch behind that person. Maybe that's another reason why it took me a long time to finally have enough strength for me to start heading on the other direction: I knew back then that the heaviness in my chest is a lot easier to carry than the weight that I have inside of me, now that his presence is nothing but a bitter-sweet memory playing over and over inside my head. Thus, I am still a martyr.