Just Don't Disappear

Everything feels different. I can't figure exactly how and what I am feeling. I expected something entirely different from what is currently happening to me now. I thought I'd become the same person back when everything seems to not work out for me. I was miserable then. But I got over that. I felt okay, not entirely happy, but fine, enough to focus my attention on more important matters. And then things happened. I was already imagining the worst. From our friendship down to myself. 

And then everything's just unfamiliar for me. What I'm feeling right now is something that I've never felt before. I know that this is just pain and sadness. Simple, normal, common. But I don't understand it fully. When I see you and when I hear your name, the pain starts to sting; I feel so sad but I don't cry; I want to text you but I don't cos I know that it'll just hurt more; I want you to stay inside my head and linger in my thoughts but, instead, I look for distractions; when we're together I want to talk and catch up with you and look at you but I can't even say a word or even look in your direction because I know that I'll just say something stupid and that I may just tear right in front of you-- and I can't do that. 

It's hard for you too, I am aware of that. We both know that it's hard. I promised to myself that everything will have to be okay. That we'll be friends. That there'll be no more signs of the past. No more pain, no more sadness. That one day, I'll be able to look you in the eye and feel nothing. Everything takes time, I just need time. I don't need any of us to walk away. It'll be okay. I'm going to be fine. Maybe not now, but I am trying my hardest to be okay. Just don't disappear. 

One Wish

We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true. - Grey's Anatomy, Season 5 Episode 11: Wish You Were Here

Maybe that's why I wish for him so much. He was too big for me. He was someone who I can't seem to reach. Someone who I look up to and just stare because I cannot say anything. I can't seem to have the right to say what I really feel about him. He is this person who I adore so much I'd do anything not to ruin what we have. That's why I keep everything inside me. My head would start talking and talking and I just can't let them out because I feel that if I do, I would just scare him away. Because I feel so small and so helpless that the only thing I can do is to just stare at him and listen to his stories, and just wish that I could say 'I missed you', 'I'm sorry you feel sad', 'I'm here for you'; 'I care about you', 'You look so nice today', 'I need you', 'I wish you could stay a little bit longer', 'I love you so..'; or that maybe I can hug him like what I typically do when I say goodbye to our friends; or I could comfort him when he's sad; or I could kiss him goodnight; or kiss him goodbye; or just be beside him whenever I need and want to. 


But I can't do or say any of that. I can't reach him. I just feel like I can't. And I'm really sad right now and I wish he could be here.. 

Lost Bliss

I have found it and now I don't know where it went. 

But, somehow, being skeptical about my current state is, I guess, preventing me from completely losing my mind.

Yes, I am not sure if this is what 'loneliness' really is like. How would I know? All Miriam Webster can tell me is that 'it is a state of being lonely' and 'lonely' means 'causing sad feelings that come from being apart from other people' or in simple terms -- alone. 

Physically, I am not alone. I believe. Because I am not an independent citizen, yet. I live with my entire family. I have my friends with me once in a while. Therefore, I am not alone in this world. 

But, there is this deeper sense of feeling alone. There is always this one person in our own personal lives wherein that person's presence can make you feel safe and alive, and he is the only person in this world that can make you feel that you are not alone. And that the state of being lonely depends upon the presence or absence of that one person. 

So, maybe I am really alone. I'm one heck of lonely person. Not being sentimental or emotional in here. Just sayin'. 

Ito ang tama..

Minsan talaga mararamdaman mo na hindi ka talaga importante sa isang taong malapit sayo.
Bakit ganito? Napaka-random. Nakakainis. Nakakalungkot. Mas nakakainis tuloy.

Nung isang araw lang parang maayos naman kami sa isa't isa tapos biglang sa isang iglap parang hindi ka niya kilala. Ang hirap intindihin. Parang hindi maayos pero maayos talaga. O kaya naman, parang maayos pero hindi talaga. Ang gulo, di po ba?
Kahit ako naguguluhan. Nagugulumihanan.
Nakakapraning tuloy. Nakakapraning isipin kung ano yung dapat kong i-kilos o gawin; kung ano yung dapat kong sabihin; at kung kailan ako dapat makipag-usap. Oo, lahat yan tumatakbo sa utak ko kasi ganun ako ka-ingat sa mga mabibitawan kong salita at maipapakita kong kilos. Natatakot kasi akong magkamali, baka ma-reject  na naman ako o baka lumayo nanaman siya sa akin. Ayoko na mangyari yun. Hindi ko kaya.

Pero bakit ba lagi na lang ganito? Hindi ko siya maintindihan. Siguro may nagawa lang talaga akong mali. Ewan. Wala akong maisip o maalala eh. Nakakabaliw.

Naiisip ko tuloy..

Ano pa bang kailangan kong baguhin? Sabi naman ng bestfriend niya, ang laki na daw ng pinagbago ko... Nag-improve na daw ako. Ako rin naman sa tingin ko na iba na nga talaga ako ngayon. Wala na nga akong ipinapakitang kadramahan sa kanila masyado, lalo na sa kanya. (Hindi naman din nila kasi alam ang blog ko na 'to.)

Ito nanaman ako, nahihirapan mag-focus sa academics dahil dito. Ang hirap maapektuhan lalo na kung siya lagi ang dahilan. Ibang klase nga talaga ang tama niya sakin... 

A Handful of Wishes and Only Hoping for One.

I wish I could be the person he confides with.
I wish I could be the person he trusts.
I wish I could be the person he shares his life with.
I wish I could be the person he could turn to anytime.
I wish I could be the person he runs to for his dilemmas.
I wish I could be the person who can satisfy him.
I wish I could be the person that can give him happiness.
I wish I could be the person he can find confidence with.
I wish I could be the person he thinks of every now and then.
I wish I could be the person he considers very important to his life.
I wish I could be the lady he admires.
I wish I could be the girl he sings to every time.
I wish I could be the woman he desires to be his companion for the rest of his life.
I wish I could be his valentine I wish I could be the person he holds dear inside his heart...

And above all,
I hope that none of these happens with just a wish.. 

I don't want to be reminded of this day as something so special or something. But with all those around me, I guess I have to deal with the effect that 2012's Valentine's Day has on me.

Lacking Metaphor

My shirt's getting tagged too much, it has become loose and I can already feel it slip on my shoulder.

It's maybe the lack of metaphor or the inappropriateness of it that this entry may just sit perfectly in my drafts or rather fit in the trash. Either way, I'm still writing... Despite the obvious that I am lacking creativity in composing a good introduction. 

Truly, I feel dragged. With every single strand of muscle in my body seem to complain by continuously torturing me with muscle cramps. And this has never happened to me before. I don't like it. 

I have pushed myself today physically. Distraction has become a resolution to everything that needs re-fixing and/or maintenance-- the little holes and cracks and heat, to say the least. 

But, as always, distractions are momentary. It may last from a second to a couple of days or weeks (or longer) but don't expect it to carry you through your entire life. It may become a routine, but a routine gets really, genuinely, absolutely boring. The level of dullness and the dimensionless of the routine forces you to stop and realize what you've been missing. And once you pause/stop, you will feel all the tiredness and weariness that you have been putting aside to drop on your shoulders and fill your head. Insanity, that is. 

And so I feel like that today, though, I have yet to feast on a proper rest in a couple of hours or maybe after this. 

So if someone, other than myself, is reading this, then I guess I have to thank you for lending me your patience and understanding for the person who seems to be craving for physical, mental, and (most importantly) emotional rest.I salute you. Cos I can't even be patient with my own.. 

*The handouts in my philosophy class and the book-- Paper Towns by John Green-- that I just finished an hour ago pushed me even harder to pursue writing this tonight. So don't blame me... (oh, whatever!)

Avoiding the End

Why do we look for things at the wrong places?
Why do we still pursue something that would be worthless?
Why do we choose to stop asking questions?
Why do we ignore shortcuts and instead take the rough and endless roads? 
Why do we choose to ignore medication when we have access to?
Why do we want to walk alone and meddle with our own confusions and consciousness?
Why do we always prefer silence?


Why am I so afraid of hearing the answer and/or reaching the end?


I feel weary, sometimes, but I never stopped walking.
I often feel miserable but I never acknowledge that to myself. 
I am stupid but I made myself very stubborn so that I would never ask any questions.
My doors are open, but I pretend that I'm locked up. 
I know that dealing with this alone wouldn't bring me to a better place.
The world around me is too loud and there are a lot of voices to listen to, but I close my ears to everyone who tries to talk me out of this. 
I have my words ready in my tongue, but I keep my mouth shut every time. 


I am so afraid of what I might see at the end that I would just keep moving around even if it's wearing every ounce of strength I have. I'm too fragile to even think of myself one step behind the finish line. I don't know. I cannot think of anything for now or maybe I don't want to think of anything at all. 


I want to rest now. I feel stupid and senseless writing all these. Goodnight.