I Won't Give Up

While just quickly looking through my facebook feed, I randomly watch this music/lyric video by Jason Mraz. I don't usually watch random shared videos on facebook just because I am too lazy to watch or am not interested at all. But THANK GOD for my randomness, I was able to listen to this very cute/beautiful song. Quite teary-eyed while listening to this. I guess that's bitterness? Haha. 

'And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn...

I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not

And who I am..'

I won't Give Up By Jason Mraz 
Video courtesy of Youtube

5 in the Morning

If I had to break my heart, I would be willing to take all the sting and the painful hits just to be able to hang around with him. I’m not drunk and never did.
Seeing him yesterday, tonight, and right now feels both sinfully joyful and quite literally painful. 
He said he doesn’t want anymore of that girl and then I realize that maybe he was saying the same exact thing I was saying way back when I knew that he liked someone else and still continue acting all crazy for me when we find ourselves alone within each other’s reach. I may be assuming right now but the way he would wait for his phone to light up whenever that unmistakingly interesting person responds to his undoubtedly enthusiastic message.
He was never a fan of sms as I have known him for so many years. But like the weather, he changes so noticeably whenever he finds interest in someone who I am/we are quite sure returns the same enthusiasm as his. I wasn’t suppose to feel so eeringly jealous and crazy about this fact, and though I may say that I am feeling a little of this, the dilemma is about that one single fact that almost all of us doesn’t want to encounter, is that he sometimes acts as if I am a mere stranger to him or as if I do not exist. It hurts so bad that I often resolve to hurting of what’s left of my being.
It’s 5.03 in the morning and still some of us are still awake, doing something that will lift their spirits despite their own heartaches and heartbreaks. I am done with that for this night/day. I’m too weary and tired. 
An old friend told me just a few minutes before he went to his blissful goodnights rest that I have a strong personality and that ‘that person’ should not make me fragile as I have been for months.
I just smiled and thought this must have been the real meaning of love, quite an understatement though. It feels good to be able to finally understand what movies always say about love. 
But like any other good luck, payment will always have its way, it is, at the same time, genuinely painful.

(written and posted on : Dec. 28. 2011)

When half my world doesn't know

Is it strange to be out somewhere hiding from the world where you have always loved and felt warm and happy and all sorts of crazy wonderful exciting feelings? 

If that is, then I am strange. 

For whatever reason that still I am trying to clear even to myself, I know that I am doing THIS because there will be something good that I can get from this. I am not doing penance or something, I am doing this:

Have you ever thought atleast once in your life that maybe those whom you call “friends”, don’t actually consider you as their friend? Or that maybe your “buddies”/”friends” don’t really have that much patience to deal with you whenever you need them.

Well, I did. So many unbelievable times before, actually. And now, I am back to that thought again. I might just be getting crazy or paranoid but as Dr. Montgomery said, ‘When you start obsessing about something, you know there’s a reason.’ And for that, maybe there is something to obsess about. 

I obsess about wondering why they act like this or that; or why they lied to me; or why did they hide those little things from me; or why do I always feel like they are only there when they need my favor, not me, my favor/help/support/thethingIdesperatelyneedandnotwantrightnow. 

It’s been days. I think it’ll soon be a week in a couple of days. It is really painful for me doing this, but you know what, sometimes we need to do something for our own self.My free pass to selfishness and to being pathetic. 

Okay. that’s enough. I have said enough. 

Now, I can focus on studying. This has become a major distraction for me, so please God, take away those thoughts for a while. Thank you.

(written and posted on  : Dec. 10. 2011)

MEGASTAR. MEGAMONEY

Tatalikuran mo ba ang mga taong nagmahal at nag-alaga sayo for more than 20 years para sa 1 Billion pesos? 

Kung ang isang Mega Star na may net worth na umaabot sa 100 million ay nagawa ang bagay na yan, paano pa tayong mga ordinaryong taong may net worth lamang na… 150 per day? (oo na, korny ko). 

Sa totoo lang, nagbago bigla ang tingin ko sa kanya. Hindi naman sa isa ako sa mgaavid fans nya pero bilang isang Pilipino na pamilyar sa isang Sharon Cuneta, ay masasabi kong isa siya sa mga aktres na dapat na tinitingala ng mga baguhang artista. Pati sa role ng pagiging nanay ay tinitingala rin siya. At dahil sa desisyon niyang iyon, parang nawala ang pagiging Mega Star Sharon Cuneta niya. Kung tutuusin, hindi niya na kailangan ng ganon kalaking pera, ang yaman yaman ng pamilya nya. Kahit nga hindi na siya magtrabaho, okay lang e. Diba? 

Ganito lang yan: Parang pinagpalit mo ang pamilya mo sa perang alam mo namang hindi mo talaga kailangan. 

Opinyon ko lang naman ‘to at higit sa lahat blog ko ‘to. Tignan na lang natin ang mangyayari sa career niya. 

(written and posted : Nov. 22. 2011)

Concrete Wall

It has been awhile since I decided to keep to myself everything that I feel from being (ab)normally sad to being entirely dead. I must say that it is quite surprising for me to at least keep that rhythm for a couple of weeks or days. Yes, I am a strong person but I am very vulnerable (inside) as an egg shell especially  when I am alone and quiet— keeping all the cracks in as much as I can before it breaks. And, as I said, I have been living inside a concrete wall for (just) weeks or days. When I woke up this morning, that concrete wall seem to have lost its support. I tried so f-ing hard to fix it because I am so afraid that it might fall apart inevitably— and that is going to F my already F-up life. 

I’ve done everything. Chocolates, food, amuse myself while I listen to my professors talk about ‘facts’ that is truly entertaining, think about my duties as class treasurer—though there’s nothing to think about, plan my ‘friday night’ with friends, AND bake muffins as soon as I walk inside our house and drop my things on the floor. And after all that, I still feel like even if I bake hundreds of muffins today/tonight, it wouldn’t stop the wall from breaking. 

I do not like seeking comfort or help from my friends or other people, maybe even strangers(?) if that would actually help. But I just do not like other people knowing and even feeling my present dilemma especially when I am with that ‘other-people’. And despite my personal dislike on that matter, I still sometimes(most of the time) run to my friends and just randomly hug them and rest my head on their shoulder. For my closest friends, I do not need to say anything when I do those ‘cos they know who I am and what I am through right now. I know, it seems like I am just seeking sympathy, but there is this one thing I learned:

Denying things wouldn’t change the truth. And so what if it sounds pathetic and stupid? I am still pathetic and stupid whether I keep it to myself or confide it to somebody else. 

I already died once recently and I believe it changed me, however not entirely different. I guess it just took away some ‘candies’ and dimmed my mind off from ‘christmas lights’ and all that. But it definitely built that concrete wall and it has gone trembling for the first time since it stood right there. And someday it will just collapse or maybe it will stay there forever. I do not know.

You may say that I am too emotional or dramatic or too cynical or even a big baby. Whatever. You may not understand me right now but when the time comes that you have to hold and keep inside all of that pain, sadness, anger, tears, and that you just suddenly felt like you died then you will understand me. But I am not hoping that you go through that, it’s no fun at all. 

Everything changes. And I guess mine started a few days back and I admit I was not entirely happy with the change. This is the worst state of mind and soul. I have become dull, insensitive, unfeeling, and hard mostly to myself. 

(written and posted on : Nov. 16. 2011)

Words of The Night

Mornings have been different for me;
Instead of smiling back to the sun, I find myself ignoring the beams of light shining through my window;
Often asking ‘why aren’t you here with me?’ in my head, even before I open my eyes;
I always wonder with every sunrise that my life gains, I wonder about you; 
And that is with my mind and heart knowing that it would not change a thing of my day at all;
Then I just wait silently;
Waiting for the day to say farewell and the night to fill the sky;
While with every waiting second, I drown my mind with you and stab my heart with truth;
Now in bed I wait for my sleep to crawl;
Still finding myself wondering about you;
Every last drop of consciousness belongs entirely to you;
I miss you, I love you;
I am scared, I am worried, and I am paranoid;
I need you— I thought I just needed a friend but no one will ever get rid of this discomfort but you alone;
Your presence is enough; 
Nothing more than the lines of friendship is what I want and need from you;
I am in love with you;
I am in love you forever; 
I don’t expect or hope or even wish for you to say those words back to me;
Pathetic— I know. I don’t care. I don’t mind at all;
Because there’s nothing more that anyone or anything can say or do to beat the heck out of what I feel right now about you.


(written and posted on : Oct. 31. 2011)

Maybe...

Maybe not… It isn’t easy to just throw your feelings for someone out the window! But how will it work when I cannot even tell that person how I feel. I tried and still trying, I swear. But damn, Angelia!

They say ‘not trying is worse than anything’. But really, is it that easy to try? Is it that easy to take chances? To not-know what will happen next? I bet you, it is f-ing hard BECAUSE it is PAINFUL. Yup. It hurts. 

How the heck did it hurt me? Because I already know what will happen next. I already know that there is no more point in asking or trying— even though he hasn’t said anything at all because I haven’t said anything at all. You may think I’m paranoid and all, but what would you do if that person makes you feel unimportant(sometimes)? Makes you feel like you are a ‘something’ not a ‘someone’(sometimes..)? Like nothing ever happened? Like it is not happening? You know what I mean…

It’s past 6am.. 

Dropped him-off. Wait for him to unload his things from the trunk while I seat at the driver’s seat and stare at the rear-view mirror. Then he said goodbye. And for a split second, everything just stopped. And that eyes. That look. I knew that it meant something… Something very unfortunate for me. And then I made this blog happen. Yes. Me. Alone. He never said anything that would make me feel worse. But it is just I knew. And when we feel something, then we know. We knew— and already I am using ‘past’-participle. Thank God for my pessimism, I just did myself at that. 

Then again, will I ever have the guts to try? To try to stop and leave everything on the ground and just go back to how we were before? Damn. I just made myself a new problem. Now I really think I am masochist. I inflict this to myself and somehow, I laugh at it. Laugh at my stupidity. Why not? At least there’s something that will lighten my feelings up! 

(written and posted on : Oct. 23. 2011)