Just Don't Disappear

Everything feels different. I can't figure exactly how and what I am feeling. I expected something entirely different from what is currently happening to me now. I thought I'd become the same person back when everything seems to not work out for me. I was miserable then. But I got over that. I felt okay, not entirely happy, but fine, enough to focus my attention on more important matters. And then things happened. I was already imagining the worst. From our friendship down to myself. 

And then everything's just unfamiliar for me. What I'm feeling right now is something that I've never felt before. I know that this is just pain and sadness. Simple, normal, common. But I don't understand it fully. When I see you and when I hear your name, the pain starts to sting; I feel so sad but I don't cry; I want to text you but I don't cos I know that it'll just hurt more; I want you to stay inside my head and linger in my thoughts but, instead, I look for distractions; when we're together I want to talk and catch up with you and look at you but I can't even say a word or even look in your direction because I know that I'll just say something stupid and that I may just tear right in front of you-- and I can't do that. 

It's hard for you too, I am aware of that. We both know that it's hard. I promised to myself that everything will have to be okay. That we'll be friends. That there'll be no more signs of the past. No more pain, no more sadness. That one day, I'll be able to look you in the eye and feel nothing. Everything takes time, I just need time. I don't need any of us to walk away. It'll be okay. I'm going to be fine. Maybe not now, but I am trying my hardest to be okay. Just don't disappear. 

One Wish

We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true. - Grey's Anatomy, Season 5 Episode 11: Wish You Were Here

Maybe that's why I wish for him so much. He was too big for me. He was someone who I can't seem to reach. Someone who I look up to and just stare because I cannot say anything. I can't seem to have the right to say what I really feel about him. He is this person who I adore so much I'd do anything not to ruin what we have. That's why I keep everything inside me. My head would start talking and talking and I just can't let them out because I feel that if I do, I would just scare him away. Because I feel so small and so helpless that the only thing I can do is to just stare at him and listen to his stories, and just wish that I could say 'I missed you', 'I'm sorry you feel sad', 'I'm here for you'; 'I care about you', 'You look so nice today', 'I need you', 'I wish you could stay a little bit longer', 'I love you so..'; or that maybe I can hug him like what I typically do when I say goodbye to our friends; or I could comfort him when he's sad; or I could kiss him goodnight; or kiss him goodbye; or just be beside him whenever I need and want to. 


But I can't do or say any of that. I can't reach him. I just feel like I can't. And I'm really sad right now and I wish he could be here.. 

Lost Bliss

I have found it and now I don't know where it went. 

But, somehow, being skeptical about my current state is, I guess, preventing me from completely losing my mind.

Yes, I am not sure if this is what 'loneliness' really is like. How would I know? All Miriam Webster can tell me is that 'it is a state of being lonely' and 'lonely' means 'causing sad feelings that come from being apart from other people' or in simple terms -- alone. 

Physically, I am not alone. I believe. Because I am not an independent citizen, yet. I live with my entire family. I have my friends with me once in a while. Therefore, I am not alone in this world. 

But, there is this deeper sense of feeling alone. There is always this one person in our own personal lives wherein that person's presence can make you feel safe and alive, and he is the only person in this world that can make you feel that you are not alone. And that the state of being lonely depends upon the presence or absence of that one person. 

So, maybe I am really alone. I'm one heck of lonely person. Not being sentimental or emotional in here. Just sayin'.