Beyond Retrospect

A Handful of Wishes and Only Hoping for One.

2012-02-14T06:17:00.000-08:00

I wish I could be the person he confides with.
I wish I could be the person he trusts.
I wish I could be the person he shares his life with.
I wish I could be the person he could turn to anytime.
I wish I could be the person he runs to for his dilemmas.
I wish I could be the person who can satisfy him.
I wish I could be the person that can give him happiness.
I wish I could be the person he can find confidence with.
I wish I could be the person he thinks of every now and then.
I wish I could be the person he considers very important to his life.
I wish I could be the lady he admires.
I wish I could be the girl he sings to every time.
I wish I could be the woman he desires to be his companion for the rest of his life.
I wish I could be his valentine I wish I could be the person he holds dear inside his heart...

And above all,
I hope that none of these happens with just a wish..

I don't want to be reminded of this day as something so special or something. But with all those around me, I guess I have to deal with the effect that 2012's Valentine's Day has on me.

Lacking Metaphor

2012-02-02T05:22:00.000-08:00

My shirt's getting tagged too much, it has become loose and I can already feel it slip on my shoulder.

It's maybe the lack of metaphor or the inappropriateness of it that this entry may just sit perfectly in my drafts or rather fit in the trash. Either way, I'm still writing... Despite the obvious that I am lacking creativity in composing a good introduction.

Truly, I feel dragged. With every single strand of muscle in my body seem to complain by continuously torturing me with muscle cramps. And this has never happened to me before. I don't like it.

I have pushed myself today physically. Distraction has become a resolution to everything that needs re-fixing and/or maintenance-- the little holes and cracks and heat, to say the least.

But, as always, distractions are momentary. It may last from a second to a couple of days or weeks (or longer) but don't expect it to carry you through your entire life. It may become a routine, but a routine gets really, genuinely, absolutely boring. The level of dullness and the dimensionless of the routine forces you to stop and realize what you've been missing. And once you pause/stop, you will feel all the tiredness and weariness that you have been putting aside to drop on your shoulders and fill your head. Insanity, that is.

And so I feel like that today, though, I have yet to feast on a proper rest in a couple of hours or maybe after this.

So if someone, other than myself, is reading this, then I guess I have to thank you for lending me your patience and understanding for the person who seems to be craving for physical, mental, and (most importantly) emotional rest.I salute you. Cos I can't even be patient with my own..

*The handouts in my philosophy class and the book-- Paper Towns by John Green-- that I just finished an hour ago pushed me even harder to pursue writing this tonight. So don't blame me... (oh, whatever!)

Avoiding the End

2012-01-29T04:34:00.000-08:00

Why do we look for things at the wrong places?
Why do we still pursue something that would be worthless?
Why do we choose to stop asking questions?
Why do we ignore shortcuts and instead take the rough and endless roads?
Why do we choose to ignore medication when we have access to?
Why do we want to walk alone and meddle with our own confusions and consciousness?
Why do we always prefer silence?

Why am I so afraid of hearing the answer and/or reaching the end?

I feel weary, sometimes, but I never stopped walking.
I often feel miserable but I never acknowledge that to myself.
I am stupid but I made myself very stubborn so that I would never ask any questions.
My doors are open, but I pretend that I'm locked up.
I know that dealing with this alone wouldn't bring me to a better place.
The world around me is too loud and there are a lot of voices to listen to, but I close my ears to everyone who tries to talk me out of this.
I have my words ready in my tongue, but I keep my mouth shut every time.

I am so afraid of what I might see at the end that I would just keep moving around even if it's wearing every ounce of strength I have. I'm too fragile to even think of myself one step behind the finish line. I don't know. I cannot think of anything for now or maybe I don't want to think of anything at all.

I want to rest now. I feel stupid and senseless writing all these. Goodnight.

Siya na Yun

2012-01-23T01:29:00.000-08:00

May mga bagay na hindi ko kayang tiisin. Kahit gaano ako katapang sa maraming bagay, hindi parin ako ganoon katibay sa iba pang bagay. Tao lang din ako. Hindi dahil malakas ang personalidad ko ay hindi na ko bumabaluktot. Lahat tayo may kanya-kanyang kahinaan at kamalian. Kaya lang minsan talaga sumusobra.

Tanong ko lang naman po:
Kaya mo bang tanggihan ang taong mahal mo? Kahit na masisira lang ang pangako mo sa sarili mo? Kahit na alam mong pagkatapos na naman nito ay madagdagan nanaman ang bigat sa puso mo?

Ako? Hindi.

Oo. Sobrang saya ko nung mga oras na yun. Ilang linggo na rin naman ako nagtitiis. Kaya nung siya na mismo ang naunang magparamdam, nanghina na nanaman ako at bumigay. Ang tagal ko siyang hindi nakita o nakausap man lang. Kaya naman sa buong oras na magkasama kami ay wala akong ibang inisip kundi ang saya. Sa kabila ng matagal at namuong magulong katahimikan ay parang naging maayos ang lahat. Parang walang nangyari. Napakasaya ko. Oo, masaya ako sa lagay na ganun. Kung tutuusin, mas magiging kampante ako sa ganung sitwayson at relasyon kung saan komportable kami sa isa't isa bilang magkaibigan na nagk-kwentuhan. Wala naman akong ginusto kundi yun lang. Kahit kailan hindi ako naghangad ng higit pa sa pagiging magkaibigan, lalo na ang pagkabawas o pagkawala nito.

Pero dahil din sa oras na yun ay kailangan ko magsimula ulit. Siguro nga sinayang ko yung mga araw na sinusubukan ko at ginagawa ko yung dapat kong gawin. Alam ko kung ano ang sinasayang ko, alam ko na ako lang din ang mahihirapan, alam ko kung ano ang mga ginagawa ko at pagkakamali ko, alam ko na umiiral na naman katangahan ko.

At higit sa lahat, alam ko na kahit gaano ko katagal subukan ay hinding hindi na magbabago o mawawala ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Ito na nga siguro yun. Siya na yun. Ang problema lang talaga ay hindi ako ang nasa loob niya.

Written Inside My Head

2012-01-19T02:29:00.000-08:00

I had lost a lot of things,
I had lost a lot of my being.

There are worse things than this,
I'm quite aware of that;
But if you had to give up,
isn't it that you are giving away your heart?

Have I told you who I am?
Or rather, have I told who I was?;
Cos the 'am' haven't been so clear,
Not even sure about it being there.

I wasn't sure where the line started
Or even when we both reached the end.
That is something I don't understand,
would you tell me what it is?

I have cried a little less, I have pained a little more.
My tears pushes you away,
I guess I have to deal with this in silence on my own.;
It doesn't matter anyway,
cos either way you're not going to stay.

It is not love that I seek,
for love isn't begged.;
It is the respect that I hope,
and the acknowledgement that I wait.

I am at lost of words,
I guess I'm making that mistake again.;
You weren't aware of my love before,
Never really had the confidence to tell.

Now that I am lost,
This I think I don't need for you to know.;
You may have been the help that I need all along,
But since I chose to walk away,
I guess I have to find happiness (again) on my own.

*I just typed what appears inside my head. this is so unexpected. there are so many crap inside my head.

Someone Will Sing To Me

2012-01-15T04:55:00.000-08:00

Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay

Don't you just love songs that makes you smile, makes you feel warm inside, and, at the same time, stings your heart? Well, I love them so much even if I know that they just push me off the edge sometimes. I avoid drama and as much as possible, I don't like to deal with anything that results to more drama. But songs like that are just so nice!
So, for tonight I want to share with you some of my most appreciated songs at the moment:

A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
She's the One - Robbie Williams
Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin
Not like the Movies - Katy Perry
So Close - Jon McLaughlin
You and Me - Boyce Avenue(cover)
Us Against the World - Coldplay
You and I - Ingrid Michaelson
Til Kingdom Come - Coldplay

They make me smile mainly because I often imagine someone singing some of those lovely songs to me. It's nothing really, I know that. But you know, sometimes you just have to lift yourself a bit by appreciating things even if they only exist inside your head. It sounds silly but it makes me smile, it makes my world pause for some time or slow down, and that's when happy thoughts come in.

But it hurts. I don't know how to describe this, but it stings. It becomes heavy and it's like you can actually feel your heart sinking. I thought about how these songs make me feel this way and I know that it hurts because (for me) the idea of wishing and dreaming and imagining brings hope. And I don't like hope for now. I am getting weary every single day that passes and hoping just makes it more tiring. I know what you're thinking but I am not being a hopeless romantic here. It's just that when there is hope inside of me, I tend to do something that would not put that hope to waste, and then I expect too much of myself that when it fails, I crash. And I don't want to feel dead anymore. I've died once, and I don't want to do that to myself again. It is enough that the first time took a lot from my emotional being. It is enough that it changed me.

I listen to these kind of songs because even if they hurt, these songs are the only thing that can make me feel like I am still capable of smiling genuinely and become unconscious of it at the same time.

You know, I wish that one day, someone will sing one of those songs to me. :)

Panaginip at Alaala

2012-01-14T06:34:00.000-08:00

Napaginipan kita kagabi

Dun lang tayo nagkita ulit.
Humaba na nga ulit ang buhok mo, pero hindi parin kasing haba tulad ng dati bago ka magpagupit.
Dito 'yon sa bahay. Siguro bandang hapon yun dahil maaraw pa. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero inaasahan ko rin talaga ang pagdating mo nun.
Nag-aayos ako ng buhok sa salamin habang umaakyat ka ng hagdan.
Ang akala ko hindi mo ko papansinin pero ako agad ang una mong sinilip at kinausap.
Nagpasama ka sa akin dahil may ipinapagawa sayo.Hindi ko lang alam kung sino.
Nagulat ako at kinausap mo ako ng ganun.
Pagkatapos mo gawin yung pinapagawa sayo, umalis yung kasama natin.
Sabay niyakap mo ko at ninakawan ng halik sa pisngi. Nagulat ako pero bago pa ko makapagtanong sinabi mo agad 'Mahal kita!'. Sobrang saya pa ng pagkakasabi mo nun. Halos tumatawa na nga. Sobrang 'hyper' mo nun.
Pagkatapos nun ay sinabi ko, 'Akala ko ba hindi?'
Sabi mo, 'Kunwari lang yun...(at may iba ka pang sinabing paliwanag kung bakit ka nagkunwari)'. At sabay ngiti at yakap sa akin.

Yan na siguro yung pinakamagandang memory ko tungkol sa aming dalawa. Kahit sa panaginip lang nangyari, naramdaman ko yung saya.

Ayoko na i-describe yung naramdaman ko paggising ko at nararamdaman ko hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung paano ipapaliwanag ito.

Matutulog na ko. Itulog na lang natin ang lahat ng nararamdamang ito.

My Bucket List

2012-01-13T03:03:00.000-08:00

Before you say that I'm taking the year 2012 too seriously with sentiments, I'm going to start with my inspirations, mainly reasons on why I have this sortof agenda this year:

My planner for this year, Slate 20, have this 2-full page section called My Bucket List. At first, I wasn't all that excited with this special feature because of the other cool and awesome pages from this planner, until...
New Year's Eve(movie) almost made me bawl like a baby. Thank God, I was with Mariz when I saw it. We weren't talking to each other because, obviously, I wasn't the only one tearing-up in my seat. (Haha!) The movie itself wasn't that genius, but the part about resolutions, 2nd chances, and change just inspired me to do actually think about what I would write on that looooong list. (Yes, there are a lot of bullet-boxes);
I've never done this before. NEVER. Resolutions or even plans for new years weren't really my thing ever since I learned about their purpose and existence as an individual's personal need; and finally,
I need to do something that will put me to a state of genuine bliss.

I know that I wouldn't be able to do everything that I wrote and will write(haven't filled up the spaces!) in my bucket list, but I am going to live up to it and do my best to fulfill it. If I can make other people happy, if I can give my time to someone else and, if I can give my love to that person; then I sure can give myself happiness, time, and love. Right?

Anywaaaaaay..... (stop the drama!). Here are just some of what I want to do and accomplish before new year strikes again:

Travel for my 19th birthday (crossing all my fingers for this!)
Read at least 36 books (currently working on my 3rd book)
Sport a brazilian blow-out - CHECK
Lose weight (my forever promise to self..)
Cook and eat Eggs Benedict (if only I can perfectly poach eggs..)
Save money (or find a part-time job!)
Fly a sky lantern and be happy (oh, I can't wait to do this.. :) )
Watch a movie and eat in a resto ALONE (this is not a show for loneliness or any other cynic exhibition)
Lie outside our terrace and just look at the stars for at least 1 hour
No alcohol consumption from January 2 to April ?? (Please pray for me... LOL)
Go out and eat vanilla cone (McDo) by past midnight - CHECK
Make my own 3-Cheese Strata (i just need a food processor!!!)
Go on a diet for at least 2 weeks starting January 16 (I can already hear my tummy cursing me. haha!)
Live up with my blog (I truly hope I can with all those school work thrown at us. But I think I can :) )
Make someone happy :> - CHECK
Do volunteer work...
Visit the church as much as I can
Compile all my pictures and do something creative with them
Surprise someone
Watch live musical
Watch live concert (Gaaaaah! Praying that Pia and I will be able to make it on the 22nd for Katy Perry's! *excited*)
Go swimming
Perfect one guitar piece (I'm not good with guitar but I enjoy playing it :) )
Be given a DREAMCATCHER (someone..? )
Watch the sunrise (Done this before. Just want to relive that moment even without the person that I last saw it..)
Bake muffins for Mariz's Gboy :">
Dance with someone under the night sky (I don't think I'll be able to put check on this. )
Meet someone new in a random place (Courage and Confidence... that is!)
Accomplish 2012 promise to self (Working on it... :) )

I'm determined to do all of these. Some are I think very simple but simple things, details makes me smile. However, some are a bit difficult or complicated. But hopefully, I can accomplish most of them. Crossing my fingers! And praying as well! haha! :)

Katangahan Umiiral

2012-01-07T03:15:00.000-08:00

Minsan talaga ang katangahan umiiral sa mga taong ilang araw ng puyat, at gising pa at nagdedeliryo sa dilim ng ala-1 ng umaga. Lahat ng klase ng katangahan posible at madalas mangyari sa mga panahong ganito. Lalo na sa akin. Tangina, kahit nga normal akong tao, may nagagawa parin akong katangahan e.

(Humanda ka. Dahil malamang maranasan mo ang bangis ng daliri ko sa pagmumura. Oo, daliri kasi tina-type 'to at hindi sinasalita. -- OO NA! KORNY NA!)

Alam ko lahat ng tao sa mundo, naka-gawa na ng katangahan. Hindi nga naman kasi tayo perpekto. Pero ang chance mo na tumaas sa ranking ng katangahan ay tumataas ng todo-todo sa ganitong sitwasyon:

Pasado ala-1 ng umaga. Sabaw ako dahil kagagaling ko lang sa matinding "academic research" na maaring makapagbigay sakin ng pagkakataong maging exempted sa midterms ng PHGC. Inaantok na ko dahil ilang araw na kong puyat pero dahil kaka-inom ko lang ng panglawang tasa ko ng kape kasalukuyan may nagsisimulang karera ng mga kabayo sa dibdib ko(kung talagang kilala mo ko, alam mo na kung bakit ako ganito kapag nababanggit ang kape). Nakapikit lang ako, pinipilit na makatulog sa kabila habang may kausap(hulaan mo na lang kung ano ang kausap ko).

1.13 ng umaga. Tumunog ang celepono ko. Nagdalawang isip pa kung sisilipin o hindi.

(pagkatapos ng isang minuto...)

"DAMN!". Oo. Napasigaw ako ng wala sa oras. Pero dahil sa mga 3-4 na rin akong nag-aaral tanggapin ang mga dapat kong baguhin at gawin sa taong ito, pumikit na lamang ako at huminga ng malalim ng maraming beses. At dahil nga hindi ko pa lubusang natutunan tanggapin ang mga dapat tanggapin, nabigo ako sa aking attempt na hanapin ang peace sa aking sarili at kalimutan na lamang ang aking nakita:

(Mula kay:*hindi ko pa alam ang code name*) lalala, on my way home. Haha! Who's still up?

Siguro nagtataka kayo kung bakit ganun na lamang ang reaksyon ko sa napaka-tipikal na group message. Isa lang naman ang dahilan, ang taong ito ay hindi mahilig mag-group message at ang ikina-gulat ko pa ay isinali niya ako sa mga pinasahan niya ng mensahe na yan.

O, edi syempre anong ginawa ko? Nag-isip ng kung ano-anong hindi ko rin maintindihan at pagkatapos ng halos isang oras, nag-reply ako. Pagkapindot ko pa lang ng 'send', halos iuntog ko na yung sarili ko sa pader kasi natauhan ako at nainis sa sarili kung bakit ko nagawa yun. Ang masklap pa, walang bumalik na reply. Oha!

Sa totoo lang, kaya muntik-muntikan ko ng iuntog sarili ko sa pader dahil sa dalawang rason: Una, ayokong sirain yun pangako ko sa sarili ko para sa bagong taon. Malalaman niyo rin kung ano yung pangakong yun sa susunod kong blog entry. At pangalawa, alam ko namang hindi niya ako re-reply-an dahil sa mga ilang pagkakataong naranasan ko ay sadyang ayaw niya ata ako maka-usap o maka-text man lang-- isa pang rason kung bakit gulat na gulat ako ay isinama niya ako sa mensahe niya.

Napaka-OA ko ba? Siguro nga. Pero sa estado ng lecheng buhay pag-ibig at barkada ko ngayon, ang napakaliit na pagkakamali para sa ibang tao ay parang krimen na sa paningin ko. Syempre, nasaktan ako. Nadagdagan na naman yung bigat sa puso ko.

Sa totoo lang nung una muntik na ko magalit sa kanya dahil naisip ko: bakit pa niya ako i-sasama sa group message niya kung hindi rin naman siya open makipag-usap sakin. Pero pagkatapos rin ng ilang oras napagtanto ko na kasalanan ko rin iyon. Hindi naman niya alam ang nangyayari sa akin ngayon. Hindi ko naman siya sinabihan na magtatago muna ako mula sa kanya at sa kanila, at susubukang lumayo muna at manahimik. At hindi niya rin kasalanan kung mahalin ko siya ng ganito.

Siguro iniisip mo, 'baka naman naka-tulog lang o kaya naman nawala bigla ng unli at load'. Siguro nga tama ka. Pero kahit sa mga pinaka-simple at nakaka-disappoint na pangyayaring ganito, para sa akin ay napakalaking bagay.

Oo. Ganun na siguro kasira yung sarili ko at hindi ko na magawang umintindi at magkonsider ng mga posibilidad. Halos puro negatibo na lang ang nakikita ko sa lahat ng sitwasyon. Kaya pagbigyan mo na ko, sadyang sobrang drama ko na talaga ngayon.

“Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid.” - John Wayne

Before Ever After

2012-01-05T00:43:00.000-08:00

Before Ever After by Samantha Sotto

"It's the futility of the exercise that makes it quite remarkable, the human struggle to build something permanent on something inherently... Impermanent" - Samantha Sotto

Hail! Hail to Filipino author Samantha Sotto for writing such wonderful story!

Oh yes, that's how beautiful this book is-- I can't even think of any genius-sounding word for this blog entry to be just a little bit smarter. Hahahahaha!

But seriously, Samantha Sotto has one heck of an imagination! I envy her creativity and efforts in writing this wonderful love story. YES, it is a love story..again. I know, I know.. there are so many books of love written these days, they seem to always have the same plot. But this one is different. Everything is in here. Fiction, history, tragedy, humor, romance, and may I just say that it sort of crept me during the first few chapters. No kidding. I started reading this during those ungodly hours and so I had the reason to feel scared and all.

Anyway, it's so good, I can tell I sound like crap to you now and I apologize, I just finished reading this about 20 minutes ago. (read this only for about 2 days) and the aftermath of my amazement over this book will probably linger for quite sometime so bare with me. :D

So, here I am encouraging you-- virtually pushing you-- to go and get yourself a copy of this book ASAP! (I am not affiliated with the author or the publisher or even the characters--WTF?!)

50th Law

2012-01-04T05:06:00.000-08:00

50th Law by 50 Cent and Robert Greene

I started reading this hours before the New Year and to tell you I'm not yet done with this. I'm still on the 99th page! Gosh, I'm such a slow-reader... But I think there's a good explanation for my very turtle-like pace on this one.

Believe it or not, I love this book. No... I am IN LOVE with it. And before I elaborate, I would like to send my thanks to the nerd who actually told me to get this. Thank you, nerd!

Anyway...

This may sound a bit cheesy or whatever but this book has been pushing me to do and commit to what I (think) promise myself for this year. When you read it, it seems like the author is actually pushing you by the way he wrote everything.. It's a bit weird really but it kind of helps with the purpose of the book.
It's not a novel nor a biography. It's more like a reflection of a person's past choices-- lessons, to be more accurate. I have quite a few already carved in my head: (i am not peeking, this is entirely what my mind understood)

Go for the fearless approach - fear will always be there to eat you up like hell. Be fearless, don't show your weakness to other people or you'll never ever get what you want
"Transform shit into sugar" - yeah, the author actually wrote that. SHIT into SUGAR! (But it's just so true, I always say it in my mind). Always look for opportunities when shit comes to you. We ,always, are being pushed and pulled down by others. When they say negative things about you, do not let their words silence you. It should be more of a tool to rise up and prove them wrong.
Be self-reliant - Learn to resist dependence. That's why we get disappointed with other people, we always expect them to give up what we want, to comfort us, to give us happiness, to fill up our emotional and social needs. But when they fail to do so, we resent them. (aw..)
Pragmatism - or be practical. Do instead of say.
Face reality and practice realism! - Well, I guess of all the things I learned, this is the hardest one to take in. Human beings are forever living in a world where escapism is pretty much a goal. With simple and non-obvious(?) things like media, we turn our backs to what was really going on. I'm afraid that I'm guilty of this all the time. But can you blame me for turning my back from disappointments and pain?

To tell you honestly, I haven't totally practiced those but once in a while I try. It's just f-ing hard, yah knooow?!

And the reason why I seem to be very slow on this particular one is because every sentence, every page is another freaking broken glass pierced through me. It's so hard to accept that it is right that I need to literally read some lines over and over again until I can breath through it calmly. Also not reading this constantly like my other books. So, yeah...:)

Away a Martyr

2012-01-03T23:42:00.000-08:00

We are martyrs, aren't we?

People always, at least once in their lives, have submitted themselves to someone or something despite having to take all the hardships and getting nothing for themselves. Still, somehow, they chose to stay and waste a handful of their time to someone they wished they could walk side by side for the rest of their lives but instead time and efforts spent on being shadows alone.

But we don't always have to walk behind someone to be called a martyr. I, for one, consider myself a martyr. I am not on a race now. I am not even chasing anyone. I'm actually walking, almost dragging myself, to the opposite direction. We always have a choice and this time I chose to walk away. But walking away doesn't make me free of my suffering. It was ten times worse than what I went through when I was still an inch behind that person. Maybe that's another reason why it took me a long time to finally have enough strength for me to start heading on the other direction: I knew back then that the heaviness in my chest is a lot easier to carry than the weight that I have inside of me, now that his presence is nothing but a bitter-sweet memory playing over and over inside my head. Thus, I am still a martyr.

I Won't Give Up

2012-01-03T04:05:00.000-08:00

While just quickly looking through my facebook feed, I randomly watch this music/lyric video by Jason Mraz. I don't usually watch random shared videos on facebook just because I am too lazy to watch or am not interested at all. But THANK GOD for my randomness, I was able to listen to this very cute/beautiful song. Quite teary-eyed while listening to this. I guess that's bitterness? Haha.

'And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn...
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am..'

I won't Give Up By Jason Mraz
Video courtesy of Youtube

5 in the Morning

2012-01-02T07:23:00.000-08:00

If I had to break my heart, I would be willing to take all the sting and the painful hits just to be able to hang around with him. I’m not drunk and never did.
Seeing him yesterday, tonight, and right now feels both sinfully joyful and quite literally painful.
He said he doesn’t want anymore of that girl and then I realize that maybe he was saying the same exact thing I was saying way back when I knew that he liked someone else and still continue acting all crazy for me when we find ourselves alone within each other’s reach. I may be assuming right now but the way he would wait for his phone to light up whenever that unmistakingly interesting person responds to his undoubtedly enthusiastic message.
He was never a fan of sms as I have known him for so many years. But like the weather, he changes so noticeably whenever he finds interest in someone who I am/we are quite sure returns the same enthusiasm as his. I wasn’t suppose to feel so eeringly jealous and crazy about this fact, and though I may say that I am feeling a little of this, the dilemma is about that one single fact that almost all of us doesn’t want to encounter, is that he sometimes acts as if I am a mere stranger to him or as if I do not exist. It hurts so bad that I often resolve to hurting of what’s left of my being.
It’s 5.03 in the morning and still some of us are still awake, doing something that will lift their spirits despite their own heartaches and heartbreaks. I am done with that for this night/day. I’m too weary and tired.
An old friend told me just a few minutes before he went to his blissful goodnights rest that I have a strong personality and that ‘that person’ should not make me fragile as I have been for months.
I just smiled and thought this must have been the real meaning of love, quite an understatement though. It feels good to be able to finally understand what movies always say about love.
But like any other good luck, payment will always have its way, it is, at the same time, genuinely painful.

(written and posted on : Dec. 28. 2011)

When half my world doesn't know

2012-01-02T07:16:00.000-08:00

Is it strange to be out somewhere hiding from the world where you have always loved and felt warm and happy and all sorts of crazy wonderful exciting feelings?

If that is, then I am strange.

For whatever reason that still I am trying to clear even to myself, I know that I am doing THIS because there will be something good that I can get from this. I am not doing penance or something, I am doing this:

Have you ever thought atleast once in your life that maybe those whom you call “friends”, don’t actually consider you as their friend? Or that maybe your “buddies”/”friends” don’t really have that much patience to deal with you whenever you need them.

Well, I did. So many unbelievable times before, actually. And now, I am back to that thought again. I might just be getting crazy or paranoid but as Dr. Montgomery said, ‘When you start obsessing about something, you know there’s a reason.’ And for that, maybe there is something to obsess about.

I obsess about wondering why they act like this or that; or why they lied to me; or why did they hide those little things from me; or why do I always feel like they are only there when they need my favor, not me, my favor/help/support/thethingIdesperatelyneedandnotwantrightnow.

It’s been days. I think it’ll soon be a week in a couple of days. It is really painful for me doing this, but you know what, sometimes we need to do something for our own self.My free pass to selfishness and to being pathetic.

Okay. that’s enough. I have said enough.

Now, I can focus on studying. This has become a major distraction for me, so please God, take away those thoughts for a while. Thank you.

(written and posted on : Dec. 10. 2011)

MEGASTAR. MEGAMONEY

2012-01-02T06:49:00.000-08:00

Tatalikuran mo ba ang mga taong nagmahal at nag-alaga sayo for more than 20 years para sa 1 Billion pesos?

Kung ang isang Mega Star na may net worth na umaabot sa 100 million ay nagawa ang bagay na yan, paano pa tayong mga ordinaryong taong may net worth lamang na… 150 per day? (oo na, korny ko).

Sa totoo lang, nagbago bigla ang tingin ko sa kanya. Hindi naman sa isa ako sa mgaavid fans nya pero bilang isang Pilipino na pamilyar sa isang Sharon Cuneta, ay masasabi kong isa siya sa mga aktres na dapat na tinitingala ng mga baguhang artista. Pati sa role ng pagiging nanay ay tinitingala rin siya. At dahil sa desisyon niyang iyon, parang nawala ang pagiging Mega Star Sharon Cuneta niya. Kung tutuusin, hindi niya na kailangan ng ganon kalaking pera, ang yaman yaman ng pamilya nya. Kahit nga hindi na siya magtrabaho, okay lang e. Diba?

Ganito lang yan: Parang pinagpalit mo ang pamilya mo sa perang alam mo namang hindi mo talaga kailangan.

Opinyon ko lang naman ‘to at higit sa lahat blog ko ‘to. Tignan na lang natin ang mangyayari sa career niya.

(written and posted : Nov. 22. 2011)

Concrete Wall

2012-01-02T06:36:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I decided to keep to myself everything that I feel from being (ab)normally sad to being entirely dead. I must say that it is quite surprising for me to at least keep that rhythm for a couple of weeks or days. Yes, I am a strong person but I am very vulnerable (inside) as an egg shell especially when I am alone and quiet— keeping all the cracks in as much as I can before it breaks. And, as I said, I have been living inside a concrete wall for (just) weeks or days. When I woke up this morning, that concrete wall seem to have lost its support. I tried so f-ing hard to fix it because I am so afraid that it might fall apart inevitably— and that is going to F my already F-up life.

I’ve done everything. Chocolates, food, amuse myself while I listen to my professors talk about ‘facts’ that is truly entertaining, think about my duties as class treasurer—though there’s nothing to think about, plan my ‘friday night’ with friends, AND bake muffins as soon as I walk inside our house and drop my things on the floor. And after all that, I still feel like even if I bake hundreds of muffins today/tonight, it wouldn’t stop the wall from breaking.

I do not like seeking comfort or help from my friends or other people, maybe even strangers(?) if that would actually help. But I just do not like other people knowing and even feeling my present dilemma especially when I am with that ‘other-people’. And despite my personal dislike on that matter, I still sometimes(most of the time) run to my friends and just randomly hug them and rest my head on their shoulder. For my closest friends, I do not need to say anything when I do those ‘cos they know who I am and what I am through right now. I know, it seems like I am just seeking sympathy, but there is this one thing I learned:

Denying things wouldn’t change the truth. And so what if it sounds pathetic and stupid? I am still pathetic and stupid whether I keep it to myself or confide it to somebody else.

I already died once recently and I believe it changed me, however not entirely different. I guess it just took away some ‘candies’ and dimmed my mind off from ‘christmas lights’ and all that. But it definitely built that concrete wall and it has gone trembling for the first time since it stood right there. And someday it will just collapse or maybe it will stay there forever. I do not know.

You may say that I am too emotional or dramatic or too cynical or even a big baby. Whatever. You may not understand me right now but when the time comes that you have to hold and keep inside all of that pain, sadness, anger, tears, and that you just suddenly felt like you died then you will understand me. But I am not hoping that you go through that, it’s no fun at all.

Everything changes. And I guess mine started a few days back and I admit I was not entirely happy with the change. This is the worst state of mind and soul. I have become dull, insensitive, unfeeling, and hard mostly to myself.

(written and posted on : Nov. 16. 2011)

Words of The Night

2012-01-02T06:30:00.000-08:00

Mornings have been different for me;
Instead of smiling back to the sun, I find myself ignoring the beams of light shining through my window;
Often asking ‘why aren’t you here with me?’ in my head, even before I open my eyes;
I always wonder with every sunrise that my life gains, I wonder about you;
And that is with my mind and heart knowing that it would not change a thing of my day at all;
Then I just wait silently;
Waiting for the day to say farewell and the night to fill the sky;
While with every waiting second, I drown my mind with you and stab my heart with truth;
Now in bed I wait for my sleep to crawl;
Still finding myself wondering about you;
Every last drop of consciousness belongs entirely to you;
I miss you, I love you;
I am scared, I am worried, and I am paranoid;
I need you— I thought I just needed a friend but no one will ever get rid of this discomfort but you alone;
Your presence is enough;
Nothing more than the lines of friendship is what I want and need from you;
I am in love with you;
I am in love you forever;
I don’t expect or hope or even wish for you to say those words back to me;
Pathetic— I know. I don’t care. I don’t mind at all;
Because there’s nothing more that anyone or anything can say or do to beat the heck out of what I feel right now about you.

(written and posted on : Oct. 31. 2011)

Maybe...

2012-01-02T06:27:00.000-08:00

Maybe not… It isn’t easy to just throw your feelings for someone out the window! But how will it work when I cannot even tell that person how I feel. I tried and still trying, I swear. But damn, Angelia!

They say ‘not trying is worse than anything’. But really, is it that easy to try? Is it that easy to take chances? To not-know what will happen next? I bet you, it is f-ing hard BECAUSE it is PAINFUL. Yup. It hurts.

How the heck did it hurt me? Because I already know what will happen next. I already know that there is no more point in asking or trying— even though he hasn’t said anything at all because I haven’t said anything at all. You may think I’m paranoid and all, but what would you do if that person makes you feel unimportant(sometimes)? Makes you feel like you are a ‘something’ not a ‘someone’(sometimes..)? Like nothing ever happened? Like it is not happening? You know what I mean…

It’s past 6am..

Dropped him-off. Wait for him to unload his things from the trunk while I seat at the driver’s seat and stare at the rear-view mirror. Then he said goodbye. And for a split second, everything just stopped. And that eyes. That look. I knew that it meant something… Something very unfortunate for me. And then I made this blog happen. Yes. Me. Alone. He never said anything that would make me feel worse. But it is just I knew. And when we feel something, then we know. We knew— and already I am using ‘past’-participle. Thank God for my pessimism, I just did myself at that.

Then again, will I ever have the guts to try? To try to stop and leave everything on the ground and just go back to how we were before? Damn. I just made myself a new problem. Now I really think I am masochist. I inflict this to myself and somehow, I laugh at it. Laugh at my stupidity. Why not? At least there’s something that will lighten my feelings up!

(written and posted on : Oct. 23. 2011)

Sun Sets

2012-01-02T06:22:00.000-08:00

People often wait for the sun to set. Watching the sun hide and disappear from the horizon. Holding our breath as it leaves a beautiful scenery— very much perfect for that romantic shot we ought to take every time we witness one. But really.. Is it always that beautiful and breath-taking to see the sun, our only source of light—or maybe hope, say farewell to all of us?

Breath-taking? YES, literally! But, beautiful? Where’s beauty in saying goodbye to light? To hope?

Maybe there’s such a thing. Like what most of us say, there’s a rainbow always after the rain. But truth-be-told, it doesn’t always appear right after it stops pouring. Or maybe it’s been there even before the pouring ends but we just don’t see it right away. Or we just don’t have the sense to look for it. I don’t know. You tell me.

Most of us enjoy the heat of the sun or/and the cold and comforting touch of the rain. We hold on to it whenever possible. We feel nature taking-over our minds, blinding us from our pain, from the darkness, or our sorrows. We enjoy it. It brings pleasure— am I right or am I right? But one day, we just have to let it all go because it doesn’t bring any good to our body anymore. It’s not hard to do, it’s only painful. Saying goodbye to something that we take pleasure from isn’t as comforting as the pleasure of holding on to that single hope,that we already know from the beginning, will never ever favor us. Or just simply, turning-off the light when it’s time to go to bed makes us more scared of the monster under the bed than when we stay up ‘til 3:00am, when all that creepy things happen. Too much metaphor.. I know.

The point is: Losing or letting go of that false hope isn’t as beautiful as what your friends or even those famous words always tell you. Maybe one day we’ll see the ‘good’ but for now… We’ll only see what is left behind.

(written and posted on : Oct. 18. 2011)

My Morning Star

2012-01-02T06:12:00.001-08:00

Have you ever seen that one star at night? Ever wonder why despite that clear night sky, that one bright star is all alone? Well, who knows? Maybe none of its kind wants to hang around with it, or maybe that..that star it too early or might even be too late? Who knows? And, most importantly, who freaking cares? Right?

Well, I do care. I’m miserable, alright. And when I am miserable, I get sentimental and deep and stupid and insane— and a lot more if you’d want to know. So, if you are reading this, then it is you’re lucky day, my friend! You just got yourself in a world of despair and darkness and all that creepy stuff cynical people see of their world— well, maybe not that intense. Whatever.

Anyway…

Why this? Why stars? You’d ask, of course. You know, we would see a star somewhere during the night sky alone, showing off its shine, and captivating every single person in this planet with its beauty without having to share the attention to other stars since there’s no else but that one lonely star. I’ve seen those multiple times but two nights ago.. and it came to me.

I started wondering why it was alone. Why she was alone. There are millions and billions of them out there but still no one had seem to wake up to be with her. Well, she seem to have every advantage by being alone. No need to share the attention of those who watch her from the ground. A perfect time to show off her beam. She got freedom. But is she happy with that? Is it enough to not need somebody else to be with? Yes, she glitters and twinkles her light so that people could see her beauty but do you still think that she is happy? Content? Not at all for me..

She is always alone. Enjoyed every benefit at first but one night, she felt lonely. Determined enough to find a friend or companion, she shows herself early to make sure she catches everyone when they arise. She failed. Still determined, she went up rather late than the last time assuming that everybody will stay for long hours and wait for the sun to wake up. And, again, she failed. She would do this over and over hoping that she’ll get the right time and find anyone on that clear night sky.

One night, she did not went away. Stayed as long as the sun sets and rises. For the first time, she was not alone. Doing the same routine a few times more and then stopped. She stopped and thought for a moment. She is not happy. No one really knows who she really is. No one asked. No one cared. Though, she’d given everything of which she would not normally share with anybody else. Still, no one returned the favor. No one chased her back. Then she turned vapid. Flat. Dull. Keeping in a low light while trying to figure out what she’d do to have at least one permanent companion. Deciding whether to do something right away or just keep up and wait for somebody..someone to ask her. Until she became less and less hopeful. Exhausted. Careless. Lifeless. And came back to where she always belong, to being alone.

Everyone wears out. We get tired. We get disappointed. We feel despair. It sucks, really, that we have tried so hard, even doing beyond our limits, just to induce ourselves with happiness. Happiness is life— that is what our human brain is basically inclined to think and feel. It is a necessity so we can function normally. But if happiness isn’t there, we become lifeless. And to make it worse, we can still feel pain. I know, we should not feel anything at all when we become lifeless. However, there is pain in darkness. We may be blinded by darkness but that sense of being alone in that wide open space is a lot more terrifying than being alone in a windowless dark room. Feeling pain is exhausting. It can make us stop doing our habits. We vent by doing the most senseless things we haven’t done before. We keep ourselves from those who are willing enough to share our pain because we feel that we might infect them with our sadness. It is horrifying— the misery. Instead of making us find a way to fight it, pain pushes us down even more.

Until, we find ourselves at the very begginning with much less hope… less brighter than we were before.

(written and posted on : Oct. 12. 2011)

Starting anew!

2012-01-02T06:06:00.000-08:00

Hey hey blogspot! I am back. Yes, I've been here before and I must say that I am embarrassed with my own entries back in 2008. Quite childish. So I quickly deleted them before anyone can read them or else I'll die.

Anyhooooow...

Will be importing blogs from my tumblr account which was just made recently. Recently meaning October 2011.

Enjoy all the drama, wrong grammars, alienated words, and all the sorts. :)